Ramblings of madmen

[11:22] Lord John: I watched the Wicker Man remake on the interweb.
[11:23] Lord John: HIlarious.
[11:23] Dr Chaddius: yeah
[11:23] Dr Chaddius: totally awful
[11:23] Dr Chaddius: the ending is so insulting
[11:23] Dr Chaddius: i do like when Cage punches that woman though
[11:23] Lord John: Yeah!
[11:24] Lord John: I cracked up.
[11:24] Lord John: NOOOOOO!!!!
[11:24] Lord John: BEEEEEEES!!!!
[11:24] Dr Chaddius: HAHAHA
[11:24] Dr Chaddius: soooo bad
[11:25] Lord John: He's becoming the go-to guy for camp these days.
[11:27] Lord John: You see the Dark Knight teaser.
[11:27] Lord John: Not much, but still cool.
[11:28] Dr Chaddius: i have not
[11:28] Dr Chaddius: is it online?
[11:28] Lord John: Yeah.
[11:29] Lord John: There's also a cool still of Ledger holding a knife up to Jake Gyllenhal
[11:29] Lord John: Sorry.
[11:29] Lord John: Wrong movie.
[11:29] Dr Chaddius: hahah
[11:29] Lord John: I meant Maggie.
[11:35] Lord John: Are you looking for it?
[11:35] Dr Chaddius: is it the one with just logo and jokers laugh?
[11:36] Lord John: And some dialogue.
[11:36] Dr Chaddius: yeah
[11:36] Dr Chaddius: very anxious
[11:36] Lord John: Yeah.
[11:36] Dr Chaddius: i am cautiosly optimistic
[11:36] Lord John: Advance word on the script is that it's borderline genius.
[11:36] Dr Chaddius: badass
[11:37] Dr Chaddius: batman is the shit
[11:37] Lord John: Yep.
[11:37] Lord John: Heard about the Hulk sequel?
[11:37] Dr Chaddius: vaguely
[11:37] Dr Chaddius: norton right?
[11:37] Lord John: Yep.
[11:37] Lord John: He's writing the screenplay too.
[11:37] Dr Chaddius: probably gonna' suck. They want a "franchise"
[11:37] Lord John: Yeah.
[11:38] Dr Chaddius: the movie was great
[11:38] Dr Chaddius: leave it alone
[11:38] Lord John: No doubt.
[11:38] Lord John: That character isn't a franchise character.
[11:38] Dr Chaddius: nope
[11:38] Lord John: They want to completely revamp it.
[11:38] Lord John: Like the first movie never happened.
[11:38] Dr Chaddius: yeah, lame. Bana owned it
[11:39] Lord John: Indeed.
[11:39] Lord John: It was better than any of the fucking Spider Man movies.
[11:39] Dr Chaddius: shit yeah
[11:39] Lord John: I'll fight people over that, too.
[11:39] Lord John: With my fists.
[11:40] Dr Chaddius: haven't seen 3, don't care. Only positive thing about the series is that ONE HOSPITAL SCENE. $300 trillion dollars and thats all they got
[11:40] Dr Chaddius: for me
[11:40] Lord John: Yeah, in 2?
[11:40] Dr Chaddius: yeah
[11:40] Lord John: That had me so fucking psyched when I saw that, then, blah...
[11:41] Dr Chaddius: exactly
[11:41] Dr Chaddius: prick tease tool Raimi
[11:42] Lord John: Dude is a fucking sellout.
[11:43] Lord John: Should've seen it coming when he created M.A.N.T.I.S.
[11:44] Lord John: J.E.S.U.S.

In the name of all that's holy?!

WHY GOD?! WHY?
Also, Jason Lee looks like he likes to molest chipmunks apparently. [thanks to Sarah for pointing that out]

Cinemawreck 101 #2: DUNE

I realize that to the goatee-adorned, Herzog and Godard-worshipping film snobs out there that we look crazy adding this to a list of so-called "indispensable" films (and don't get us wrong, we love Herzog and Godard just as much as the next guy in line at the Karma Kafe, we just chose to grow full beards instead of "cunt-mouth" goatees as my diminutive, longshoreman-mouthed friend Mary likes to call them*). I also realize that there are better sci-fi films out there, and that this is a film that many a David Lynch fan would like to pretend never happened. Look, we don't give a shit here at the Wreck, and the imperfections of DUNE - the failure of it both commercially, and critically, plus the fact that it is a curiosity piece in the oeuvre of it's legendary director primarily known for his weird, surreal art-house fare makes it a classic. Apart from all of the production back stories and gossip, there is a risky, flawed-but-great sci-fi masterpiece here, that only gets better with age (don't worry, at least one more Lynch film will make it to the 101 - Hint: It's one suave fuck of a film.)

The main problem with DUNE is a problem that befalls many films adapted from popular novels. Number one, there is the mammoth task of appeasing Frank Herbert's huge cult of fans. It's a philosophically complex novel, with many characters, many subplots, that must have been a nightmare when Lynch set out on his Herculean task of adapting it after the likes of Jordowosky and Cronenberg had tried and failed - or "tried and died" to quote the Bene Geserit mother. It's the classic story of the unlikely hero, Paul Atreides (Kyle MacLachlan), albeit one from aristocracy and privilege, that must rise up against great odds, and lead the inhabitants of planet Arakis against an oppressive system of Royal houses that seek to control the “known universe” through production of the consciousness-expanding drug known as the "spice melange". Did you get all of that?

Here's a quick inventory of DUNE's badass-ed-ness: spaceships, the shield-belts, Sting's death (Spoiler!), heartplugs, hunter-seekers, Mu' a ("My name is a killing word.") Dib, Baron Harkonnen's horrible skin condition, Dean Stockwell, imperial conditioning, and the poison-gas tooth, Jurgen Prochnow, Richard Jordan, Patrick Stewart, Brad Dourif, Everett McGill, Fransisca Annis, sandworms, thumpers, the hotness of Sean Young, the hotness of Virginia Madsen and her "but wait there's more!" intro, space folding and the guild navigator that does it (Lynch's own mutant baby from ERASERHEAD all growed-up and encased in a black tank of liquid), the bombastic hair-rock score of Toto(!), Brian Eno's "Prophecy Theme"(!), and I haven't even gotten to the lavish sets, and awesome creature designs by Carlo (E.T.) Ramaldi, but wait, I just did...

DUNE is campy, heavy-handed, mired with abortive story arcs, forced exposition, and for audiences unfamiliar with the books an almost indecipherable lexicon of otherworldly jargon. I remember going to see this with my dad back in the Winter of '84 and being given flyers with a glossary of terms. My dad had never read the books, and I was only eight, so it was a bit over my head, but I didn't care. I loved this movie from day one, and continue to. I can honestly say, even after getting into my too-cool-for-school "Twin Peaks" phase, that I have never once badmouthed the flawed greatness of DUNE.


*I am currently sporting a "cunt mouth" goatee. Sue me, it's Summer, and it hides my dimpled "booty chin".

No more than what meets the eye

I did it. I sucked it up, put on a wig and a fake beard over my real beard and went to see Transformers Tuesday. This one is really kind of hard to review objectively, as there was alot there and some of it was great. This movie is to Michael Bay what Poltergeist was to Tobe Hooper. Don't get me wrong, it's still got all those trademark "Michael Bay" shots in it where we are subjected to someone standing up as the camera rotates around them until we throw up from motion sickness, but for the most part I feel he was really roped in and held a little back on this one. That's a good thing. It means we don't have to watch Optimus lose his spark in slow-motion while Aerosmith plays in the background. You can tell that Spielberg was runnin' the show. This might have some spoilers, so don't go on any further if you give two shits.

Lets start with the good things. This is a total realization of 80's childhood fantasy and they know it. It's the toys I was completely obsessed with for years throughout the mid to late 80's. We all were. So, there is a soft spot ($$$) to see them on the big screen again, this time in multi-gazzillion dollar shiny CG glory. That is exactly what they did. Fuck the nerds annoyed with the fact they gave them "mouths" and that Optimus had flames on his truck. They all looked BADASS. The effects were INSANE and through the roof. I have never seen this much destruction and CG with so much camera movement in the plate shot. I don't know how the hell they did it, but it was incredible to look at. My point is, I don't think they "gay'ed" up the robots too much. I thought they looked pretty damn cool. Second, there was plenty of action. The pacing only dwindled once or twice but overall the action was kept pretty tight and moved along very well. ALMOST made me forget it was 2 and a half hours long...almost.

They also managed to throw in a few nods to the old guys in the audience. I noticed a couple lines pulled directly from the animated movie which was kinda' cool. I also really enjoyed the original voice actor for Optimus being in the film. I think it worked as a sedative making me lucid throughout the film so I wouldn't notice all the flaws. It was like a familiar voice guiding you through the valley of the shadow of death. It was also adequately dark and violent, almost surprisingly so. It had plenty of people getting thrown all over the place and the destruction level was through the roof. The brief battle on the highway and the battle in the city at the end are worth the price of admission alone.

Now for the problems I had. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to nit-pick this movie too much. It is what it is: a gajillion dollar spectacle cashing in on a nostalgic 30 minute toy commercial from the eighties. This isn't the Iliad. That said, it still managed to disappoint on a few levels. Mind you, it takes a day or so for the "high" to wear off of just having seen nearly 30 years of nostalgic wet-dreams realized. Once you regain consciousness is when you start to realize these problems. Problem numero uno: they actually dumbed down the story. Let me repeat that. They dumbed down the story of a 1980's saturday morning cartoon. What does that say about us as a country or SPECIES for that matter? The original series and film had the Autobots fighting Decepticons over energon whilst trying to avoid things like Unicron. It was a simple story any kid could grasp even having never seen the show. So, why is it for this TWO AND A HALF HOUR FUCKING EPIC do we need to make it as dumb as Autobots and Decepticons on earth to find the "all spark" which is basically the life force of cybertron. Don't even get me started on how Megatron gets to earth [rubs temples to numb the pain]. Its a little sad when the '86 animated movie has a deeper plot, that's all I am saying. There were a couple scenes that made me cringe, such as the extended "where are the glasses" scene while the autobots hide and chatter as well as the slutty chick driving around the towtruck with Bumblebee's awful dialogue. Yeesh. One other gripe is all the freakin' product placement. It was insane! I don't mind the logical car brand crossovers but it all started to get a little silly.

One other slight issue I had with the movie was [dips finger into film and tastes it, smacking loudly] it needs more Decepticons! Seriously, they take a major back seat in this movie and don't even show up officially until the end. That party shoulda' got started in the first half hour! This was more about the Autobots...but whatever.

Despite it's problems, I still had a damn good time. It was fun, commercial-pop-bubblegum crap. I don't care if it had problems, it was TRANSFORMERS! All in all it was only mildly sacreligous to the source material [cold makes them shut down??? How the hell do they travel through SPACE then?!], it was just a little watered down. No big surprise. Most big budget films are so over analyzed and tested to the point that everything is watered down. I still recommend seeing it. It was a blast with a few moments of stupidity. It managed to be a kid's movie that catered enough to old guys who grew up with this stuff to not make us violent. I'd call that a moderate success.