Youtube vid of the day.

A sequel has gears, moving parts...

I read an internet argument on a forum the other day about whether or not Terminator 3 “sucked balls” and that 3 more films [as recently announced] was a terrible idea. As we all know, there is nothing more valid and important than an argument between two overweight 35 year old virgins taking place on an internet forum. This made me think about Terminator 3, the state of the franchise and whether or not it could survive another trilogy. I think the simple and safe answer is “That’s a bad idea”. I want to explore this a little and tell you why I have come to a different conclusion on the idea of Terminator sequels.

Terminator was a B-movie, complete with stop-motion animation. In a lot of ways it is my favorite in the series. Cameron then began his new career of tech-demos disguised as films and made Terminator 2. I still loved it. This, in my opinion, is what the series is about. It’s a silly time travel plot with holes galore, all being an excuse to blow shit up and have Arnold say a few humorous one-liners. Let us not forget this. You spend enough time deconstructing these films and you will ultimately hate all of them. I remember hearing about T3 being in production and I mocked it as if it were a direct attack on my mother. I distinctly remember seeing the international trailer which featured a few snippets of that crane-chase and thinking “holy shit, I might give this a chance!” Nick Stahl is far superior to Furlong. Fuck continuity. Plus, who is this Kristanna Loken chick, besides hot? Not to mention it had Claire Danes in it so I KNOW Lord John was pleased. Long story short, I thought it was a great 3^rd film for the “original” trilogy. It had great effects, an awesome villain and tons of destruction. I thought it did a good job of bringing everything full circle and illustrating the fact that we can’t avoid judgment day. Not to mention, I GENUINELY believe that Arnold’s performance was one of his career best in T3. Mock me if you must, but the streets will flow with the blood of the non-believers!

What this boils down to, is I believe that the Terminator films are ACTION sci-fi films and should be judged as such. Notice the order I wrote those in, go ahead, I’ll wait. Read that sentence one more time and come back when you are done. I judge them as action films first and sci-fi films second. I think the war in Iraq and world hunger would not be as bad as they are now if we all could do this. “Bladerunner is boring”, well that is because it is a sci-fi film, and its not boring, go to hell…no action my friends. We have a ton of these cute little sub-genres that have been established over time for a reason. My point is, when you are done with the grilled cheese your mom made you, maybe you can lighten up and realize that there is no real mythology or Terminator “universe” to be consistent with. It’s a time-travel story so people can fuck with it all they want. I realize that your Terminator 2099 role playing game you’ve been writing for the last 10 years depends on them keeping a consistent vision or you might catch fire from your buddies when you get together and chug mountain dew while arguing who gets to be the T-1000. Shut up and enjoy the explosions.

It’s been reported that a new production company has purchased the rights for the Terminator films and plans for 3 new films are underway. The first is to be released sometime in 2009. I am unfamiliar with the company who owns the rights now [The Halcyon Co.] or any films they’ve done in the past. For all I know they could be planning on releasing some low-budget crap-fests. I want to go on record saying that I am anxious to see what they do with the series. Many people feel that the absence of Arnold detracts from the validity of any new films. While I can’t say I won’t miss him in these new chapters, I don’t think he is integral to their quality. If anything, it allows for them to escape any stereotypes his character brings to the table. That being said, I don’t think its necessary for them to re-cast ANY of the characters with actors from previous films. This second trilogy will be separate in fan's minds purely because of the absence of Arnold. They should capitalize on this preconceived notion and use it as an opportunity to start completely fresh. I think there is a TON of potential in focusing on post-judgment day and the future wars. I think if they can take lessons from successful sci-fi action military themed films [Aliens, Starship Troopers] and show a somewhat nostalgic respect to the source material, it could be something really great. Obviously, nothing is cast or shot. These could suck some serious balls. I just think to start trash talking any Terminator sequels before we know what’s going into them is irresponsible. We have how many James Bond films? Some good, some bad, some REALLY bad, but they keep coming out, with new actors and new visions. I don’t mind seeing other blockbuster franchises following suit. Keep making them, but please…make them good. Also, lets not rely entirely on CG, guys. Otherwise, go crazy.

Derailroaded - Inside the Mind of Larry "Wild Man" Fischer

"Do-Do-Do...Merry-Go, Merry-Go, Merry-Go-Round...Do-Do-Do"

Should you be lucky enough to get your hands on this next film in my list of documentaries not to be missed, the above lyrics will ring in your ears and bore chaotically through the innards of your brain for the rest of your days. You will never - I repeat never - be able escape the addictive jingle-jangleness of Larry “Wild Man” Fischer’s classic tune, Merry Go Round.

For those of you who don’t know (a crime I was guilty of before stumbling upon this film), Wild Man Fischer is an oft overlooked 60's cult icon plagued by bouts of manic depression and paranoid schizophrenia. (Picture a feral Daniel Johnston with extra helpings of personality.) His music is half jubilant, half tormented, three quarters noisy, two-thirds train wreck, and eerily reminiscent of whatever the hell that weird kid in third grade who smelled like milk would sing to himself while trying to make the teeter totter work without a partner. Essentially, Wild Man is that poor, lonely bastard all grown up.

Originally, this film appealed to me for the sheer spectacle of watching someone who is clearly batshit crazy self destruct, but it didn't take long for me to begin feeling strangely protective of Wild Man. Attempts to stab his mother and episodes of extreme paranoia aside, Fischer is an innocent, vulnerable, and entirely likeable guy. He’s like a little kid who just woke up after four hours asleep on a family road trip with only a vague idea of where he’s supposed to be and no concept of how that idea gels with what he’s actually seeing or more importantly, how he fits into that picture.

A perfect example of this mindset can be found in a subtle, yet significant, scene in which our aging hero wanders into a record store and asks the clerk if he’s ever heard of Wild Man Fischer. Now, coming from some overblown, over credited assbag like Bono or [insert random douche bag, famous musician here] this kind of conversation would have me reaching for my cyanide capsule, but its entirely different coming from Wild Man. It’s more a plea for reassurance than a contrived effort to get some “commoner” to sing his praises. This sentiment is echoed in a similar scene featuring Wild Man discoursing on various bands and how their level of fame measures up to his own. Again, instead of being nauseated by such a display, I am transported back to my playground days and passionate arguments over who would win in a fight between Batman and Superman. (Superman hands down, but I digress.)

As is the case with so many individuals afflicted with mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder, Wild Man is embroiled in a tragic catch-22. His illness, the very thing which gives him such a ferocious creative energy (or “pep” as he calls it), is the same sinister force that prevents him from achieving his dream of becoming a rock star. Unfortunately, the only medicines available to treat his disorders would rob Wild Man of the manic charisma which draws people in. In other words, he can either be an extra in a George A. Romero movie, or he can embrace the crazed genius that makes us love him. Either way, he ends up wandering the streets.

Perhaps the saddest thing about this documentary is the way Wild Man helplessly squanders a long list of great opportunities and the efforts of talented collaborators who sincerely want to help him. He runs the gamut from being discovered by Frank Zappa to being the first single released on Rhino Records like a cokehead blows through an eight ball in strip club bathroom. (Speaking of Zappa, keep an eye out for a classic scene in which he futilely tries to keep up with the improvisational skills of Fischer.)

The truly heartbreaking thing about this pattern is that Wild Man can’t do a damn thing to break free of it. No matter how hard he tries, he’s just not palatable to the mainstream, and his mental problems render him wholly unable to deal with the disappointment of not being universally loved and accepted. Case in point, the Zappa episode. Zappa claimed he could make Wild Man a rock star, and in his endearingly childish way, Fischer took it as a foregone conclusion. When the masses didn’t buy the record, Wild Man lost it, and Zappa dropped him. It was no one’s fault; it’s just how the dust settled.

In many ways, the experience with Zappa is a microcosm of Wild Man’s entire life. People meet him, become enthralled by him, and try to introduce the world to all the things they love about him. Inevitably, though, those same people who loved him eventually have to cut ties with Wild Man. Watching the film, you get the sense that it is just too difficult to be friends or collaborators with such an unstable source of creativity. It’s like hang gliding through a tornado. It might be the ride of your life, but you haven’t got a fucking clue where you’re gonna land.

* * * Spoiler Alert * * *

As the film wraps up, we find ourselves face to face with a Wild Man who has exhausted his supply of family and friends. He appears to be a ward of the state, and he is medicated. The paranoia and depression and manic episodes that plagued (or blessed – depending on your point of view) him seem to be gone. The moniker “wild man” no longer fits. Now, he’s just an old man named Larry. The only thing crazy about him is what’s left of his hair. He is empty, and he is alone, and he is probably too drugged to know that he is either. It’s an image you try not to dwell on because it just might break your heart. The end is in sight, but it’s of no comfort to anyone.

God bless you wherever you are, Wild Man, and to echo the senitments of director, Josh Rubin, I hope that someday you get your "pep" back.

"Come on and Merry-go, Merry-go, Merry-go-round...Do-Do-Do"

Derailroaded: Inside the Mind of Larry “Wild Man” Fischer
Directed by Josh Rubin
Ubin Twinz Productions, 2005

Holy Edible Crucifix Batman!!!!

Look what came out this week!





















I know what I am doing tonight. Too bad I'm all out of brain shampoo to clean my brain off with afterwards.

Deutscher für saugen - Part 1

This is part one of my two part series on the genius that is Uwe Boll. Part one will discuss the trash the man has made and part two will focus on how the fuck he gets to make it. Lloyd Kaufman is rolling in his grave.

Part One: “Show me on the doll where Dr. Boll touched you.”

Every school kid knows, Uwe Boll is a bad person. If he ever offers you candy, or tax-shelter you run in the opposite direction, covering your genitals and screaming “I need an adult!”. I don’t need to tell you he’s a bad person, you should know this already. If you don’t, keep reading. If you want to skip to the meat and potatoes, go on to the next paragraph. Uwe Boll is a businessman posing as a filmmaker. We expect people in Hollywood to be monsters looking only for money, they are called producers –cough-Harvey Weinstein-cough. Rarely, do producers bite a director turning them into a bloodthirsty Were-director, but it can happen. Case-in-point: Uwe Boll, a German director, writer, producer, child molester, transsexual, cyborg who specializes in [destroying] video game franchises.

I want to kind of go through the shooting gallery of sorts of all the “films” Dr. Boll has made before getting to his latest masterpiece. I’m concentrating on his U.S. films. I can’t say much for his German films, but I will bet you money they suck. I want to pick up where he started in the U.S. with House Of The Dead [2003]. For those that don’t know, HOTD is a popular Zombie/Horror themed light-gun game from the arcades. Hopefully, I won’t put you to sleep with the extensive back-story that explains the game. YOU SHOOT THINGS WITH THE GUN. Did I lose you there? Seriously, it’s a game with no story at all. Why make a movie about a game with no story? We’ll get to that in part two, but for now lets move on.

House Of The Dead [2003]


I can let House Of The Dead go, it’s a dumb [albeit fun] game. I don’t care much if someone ruins the movie version considering it should never have been a movie. But then, he decides to make Bloodrayne. Bloodrayne is a 3rd person adventure game about a female badass vampire in WWII era Germany. It’s actually a really good game with an original storyline that could’ve made an awesome film. However, Boll deviates from this source material heavily, probably because of all the German money financing the film. It had a lot going for it, great source material and a good cast. I love Kristanna Loken and I think she is MADE for action roles. She is seriously underappreciated and underused in Hollywood, if you don’t believe me watch Terminator 3. Unfortunately, Bloodrayne didn’t help her career. It also has Michael Madsen in one of his funniest roles ever. Seeing him in medieval garb delivering medieval vampire-themed dialogue is hilarious. Even with star power [forgot to mention Ben Kingsley] Boll manages to put together a piece of shit film that makes Sci-Fi channel original movies look good. Very sad. Two franchises dead. Who’s next?

Bloodrayne [2005]


Another GREAT franchise that gave birth to the survival horror genre of games is Alone In The Dark. If it weren’t for this series we would not have Resident Evil today. So, of course, it’s a good series for Boll to completely destroy on film. I have to be honest, I’ve only seen a few minutes of this film. I can’t bring myself to sit through it, I’ve been through enough pain. Plus, AITD takes place in an old Victorian house, not a fucking cave with monsters! I won’t dwell on it any longer than I have. I think we’ve established Dr. Boll’s level of “suck” adequately. Let’s move onto the climax of the post.

Alone In The Dark [2005]


POSTAL!
My God, where to begin. I read he was making a movie adaptation of this game and I just wondered “why?!”. Its another game with no story whatsoever. It was a budget PC title years ago that had absolutely nothing going for it other than some mild controversy surrounding the level of violence and the fact that they played off the whole postal worker thing. I believe the controversy started because of the U.S. postal service getting pissy and making some press release. Point is, who cares? It was a dumb game that nobody liked or bought. So, why in all of God’s wondrous creation would you make a movie version? I can’t answer that, other than the simple fact there is the possibility of controversy and buzz created from that controversy. Plus, Dave Foley is in it?! What the fuck? He should fire his agent.

Let me allow Uwe Boll to tell you about Postal in his own words, “Don't think I'm an enemy. POSTAL is a necessary wake up call and we make fun in that movie about everybody[sic]. We blame the stupid Islam Extremists as retards and I portrait myself as a Nazi - so there are no rules we are not breaking. Where are the times where a movie like LIFE OF BRIAN was made?”. Also, “...who is patriotic? Is Bush patriotic? If yes, then why the BIN LADEN family could leave the USA as the only airplane leaving America on September 11? If yes then why Bush is so friendly to Saudi Arab[sic] - even if everybody knows that the Saudis are the financers [sic] of AL KAEDA[sic] (and not the IRAK[sic] etc.)?”. I see, so this is to be a deep social and political statement on the current political climate of the world and the U.S.?

Postal [2007]


Yes, this will be a very important film…just like Life Of Brian.