Futurama!!!

Futurama's new movie was released this past Tuesday and I went to the moving picture emporium to purchase it POST HASTE after my duties as a large rodent surgeon were fulfilled for that day. The Beast With a Billion Backs is the title for this one. It comes in Groening's "Al Gore friendly" packaging, complete with security devices adhered to the insides which were impossible to remove due to the fact everything is made of flimsy fucking paper. So, now I will never know what is on top of Bender's head as it is obscured by some sort of cyber genetic nicotine patch.

Let me start by saying, I love Futurama. I feel it has always been superior to the Simpson's. The passion poured into it is obvious in every episode. The first film Bender's Big Score was great. I honestly, had no idea this was due out so soon. I keep waiting for new episodes of the show as everything I have read says they were slated for 2008. These movies fill the void adequately though. I actually love the Star Trek model of quitting a show and releasing movies every year or so. [Why didn't you do this X-Files!!??] So how does the latest film measure up? Let's start with the story. There is a bizarre crack in the universe that has just shown up that has people worried, for awhile. It doesn't go away, so Planet Express decides to investigate it. Eventually a creature or "beast" with multiple backs decides to enter our world through this crack, awesomely voiced by David Cross. I'll leave it at that. Stuff happens and things turn out okay...kind of okay.

One thing I noticed after watching it is some of the paths they took with some of the characters were kind of a bummer. I'm getting a little beaten down by seeing Fry fail with sincere attempts at relationships. I realize this is what he is all about, but Groening loves to cut the jokes and make you feel bad for him. There are some other mix-ups between Amy and Kif that are kind of a bummer as well. Basically, everyone is having negative shit they are going through in the film. It's not heavy-handed, but it is noticeable. I prefer all the abuse to land squarely on Zoidberg, where it belongs.

The film looks beautiful, of course. It's lacking a little bit of the lushness seen in some episodes and Bender's Big Score for that matter. But it's still up to par as far as Futurama is concerned. Extra content is plentiful, including deleted scenes and David Cross eating popcorn. Plenty to fuck around with after you've watched the flick a couple of times.

So, yeah...go get it. It's Futurama.

JB Moore tape leaked.

Scandal.

La Terza Madre

Excited to say, I had the pleasure of seeing Dario Argento's latest film Mother of Tears this past weekend. I was excited if for no other reason than to see one of his films in an actual theater. This is the monumental third and final chapter in his celebrated "Mothers trilogy". Suspiria and Inferno being the first two chapters. Argento's career has been all over the fuckin' place. His earliest works such as Cat O Nine Tails and The Bird with the Crystal Plumage being absolute classics and superb murder mysteries on every level.

He then seemed to reach a pinnacle in the 70's with Suspiria, with it's ear-melting soundtrack and eye-melting Technicolor. Things then seemed to slowly roll downhill from there. He hasn't been without his fair share of incredible films, such as Deep Red, Tenebre and I love Opera. But it's obvious that those films must be judged on a different scale. They have that cheese factor to them that requires they be judged as an "Italian horror film" in the same way one looks at grindhouse films. The struggle I have with this is I think some of his films rise above that. His earlier works specifically.

I went into MoT with very high hopes and some cautious optimism for a safety net. The film opens very strong and got my blood pumping and my hopes escalated. The movie was great. Let me just get that out now before I start picking away at it's flaws. But it's great on the Euro horror b-movie scale, not on the universal film scale. I'm sad about that, but I'll get over it. Argento is old and he has seemingly lost touch with what's cool, never realizing it's right in front of his fucking face [Deep Red, the mirror]. Is there nobody around to tell him that the style he was so great at back in the 70's is by definition "classic" now? And were he to apply that to a modern film it would blow minds. There were moments of this greatness in MoT, but every so often there was some touch of modern FX that just took a shit all over the screen. The film is beautifully shot and uses very little digital FX, but when they do happen they literally ruin the film for me. They are AWFUL. I would've loved to have seen a throwback to the first two films, complete with a Goblin soundtrack. Keep it as pure as possible. But instead, the film is an example of Argento's more modern evolved style...that nobody likes.

The film attempts to be epic in scope and while it fails to pull this off, I really enjoyed it attempting to do so. From a story standpoint it makes for a very fitting conclusion to the trilogy. It's just so damn full of holes and head-scratchers. Where are those creatures from the beginning? How did this naked chick get the talisman? Why is the cop here? How did he get out of those chains. [head explodes] Also, am I the only one creeped out by the fact that Argento uses Asia in so many of his films? Stendhal Syndrome: "Okay, now I want you to pretend you are raping her...HARD!". [Italian accent]

I am impressed by the fact they released the film unrated. After seeing it, it's quite obvious there is no way on Jobu's green Earth they could've released this as an 'R' rated film. It was GORY. While the pacing was somewhat slow and tedious, the shocking death scenes will keep this film alive as a worthy entry into Arengto's resume. I don't want to spoil any of it for you, but it's more along the lines of a Fulci film. I'm tempted to say I've never seen a gorier Argento film. It's gets gold stars for that fact alone. In the end I was slightly disappointed because I wanted this to be a great film, not just a great Italian horror film. It has some great things about it, but in the end it's full of holes and unforgivable problems that hold it back from greatness.

A letter to God.

Dear God,

Thank you. Am I in the Holodeck?

Computer, Arch.

Computer, end program.

It all seems so real.



Now, I have only one favor to ask. Please have Amazon and/or Best Buy restock this DVD before I go insane.

Sincerely,

Dr. Chaddius Feathermore III

Something is happening.

There, I just saved you $20 and an an hour and half of your precious life. Thank me later. You no longer have to go see M. Night's "The Happening". [Sidenote: God bless Trey Parker and Matt Stone]

Just saw this one today. While there were some genuinely good, somewhat frightening moments, the movie is a turd. I heard all the buzz about poor reviews for this one which honestly made me want to see it more. If I remember correctly, Lady in the Water and The Village got good reviews and those made me pee blood after the punch in the gut I got from their shittiness.

So, you've seen the trailer, "There seems to be an event happening...". Yes, an hour of [poor] suspense going by and you are sitting there wondering, "seriously where the hell are they gonna' go with this?! Is it going to be the bees leaving that kills us off? Is it going to be some crazy new plant? What the FUCK tell me!!!! You mean it's our FUCKING carbon footprint that's killing us? The fucking plants are revolting against us?" I swear to Jobu I will stab M. Night in his face the next time I see him. This is no spoiler, trust me. It's the one path you expect while watching this but keep thinking they won't go there because it's too obvious and preachy. Well, they do.

Now to rap up this compliment shit-sandwich, let me tell you what this film does well: Mark Wahlberg is a trip. I love the delivery of some of his material he was handed. There are some really humorous moments with him that made me laugh out loud. Zooe bugs me...ever since I saw All the Real Girls. Stop staring at me...you got the BUG EYES...hey Zooe, sorry about the bug-eyes thing. I'll be in my office.

I know this film is going for that Hitchcock flavor, but it all feels so forced. There is some crazy scene of someone killing themselves every 15 minutes or so to make you "paranoid" and it's just like, "I get it!!!". I was more uneasy during History of Violence when NOTHING was happening. THAT'S how you do it. Cronenberg wins.

I'm done. Where's my beer?

Mark your fucking calendars!

Oh...THANK GOD!

Postal...

What if Lloyd Kaufman were born retarded but lucky? I know, you're saying "but, Dr. Chaddius...Lloyd Kaufman IS retarded?!" and you're half right...he's half-retarded but we're getting distracted. Stay with me. I was reading an article on Kotaku about Uwe Boll's latest masterpiece "Postal".

Now, I've read buzz from certain people that I somewhat respect saying that this is actually his first good film and that it's pretty awesome in how "wheels off" it is. I can't say for sure, as I haven't seen it yet. I'm not entirely sure I will. If someone told you one day, "No, seriously...human shit is starting to taste pretty good. You should try this. It's the best human shit I've ever eaten.", would you try it? I'm hesitant to say the least.

Apparently, there was a FREE screening of Postal in New Jersey last Friday and 200 people reportedly walked out. I would cut that number in half, just because half the people that walked out were just there to see something free and had no idea what they were getting into. So, we'll say 100 people who had some idea of what they were to see walked out. Nobody at the screening actually played the game "Postal"...because it was a flop game that nobody played anyway.

Boll had this to say, "Being politically correct, let's say, the big studios are kind of overdoing it... I feel it is time now to make a really wild movie, something over the top... We don't spare any group. We don't want to hurt anybody but we want to break the rules... We want to make people think: What is a taboo? We want to make people start thinking about their own boundaries and rules." Which leads me to why I refer to Uwe as the retarded [but lucky/evil] version of Lloyd Kaufman. This is and has been the Troma mantra for the last 20+ years. They've built a studio on this. I like seeing more "successful" directors coming out and trying some of this stuff, but why this guy?! As much as I hate this guy, this makes me hate him even more. Because now, he's not only ruining the video game to movie genre, but he's attempting to destroy any possibility for truly independent films like Troma's to have any shot at breaking through theatrically. [not that they really had a shot, but all bets are off as Hollywood is crashing and burning right now.]