Deutscher für saugen - Part 1

This is part one of my two part series on the genius that is Uwe Boll. Part one will discuss the trash the man has made and part two will focus on how the fuck he gets to make it. Lloyd Kaufman is rolling in his grave.

Part One: “Show me on the doll where Dr. Boll touched you.”

Every school kid knows, Uwe Boll is a bad person. If he ever offers you candy, or tax-shelter you run in the opposite direction, covering your genitals and screaming “I need an adult!”. I don’t need to tell you he’s a bad person, you should know this already. If you don’t, keep reading. If you want to skip to the meat and potatoes, go on to the next paragraph. Uwe Boll is a businessman posing as a filmmaker. We expect people in Hollywood to be monsters looking only for money, they are called producers –cough-Harvey Weinstein-cough. Rarely, do producers bite a director turning them into a bloodthirsty Were-director, but it can happen. Case-in-point: Uwe Boll, a German director, writer, producer, child molester, transsexual, cyborg who specializes in [destroying] video game franchises.

I want to kind of go through the shooting gallery of sorts of all the “films” Dr. Boll has made before getting to his latest masterpiece. I’m concentrating on his U.S. films. I can’t say much for his German films, but I will bet you money they suck. I want to pick up where he started in the U.S. with House Of The Dead [2003]. For those that don’t know, HOTD is a popular Zombie/Horror themed light-gun game from the arcades. Hopefully, I won’t put you to sleep with the extensive back-story that explains the game. YOU SHOOT THINGS WITH THE GUN. Did I lose you there? Seriously, it’s a game with no story at all. Why make a movie about a game with no story? We’ll get to that in part two, but for now lets move on.

House Of The Dead [2003]


I can let House Of The Dead go, it’s a dumb [albeit fun] game. I don’t care much if someone ruins the movie version considering it should never have been a movie. But then, he decides to make Bloodrayne. Bloodrayne is a 3rd person adventure game about a female badass vampire in WWII era Germany. It’s actually a really good game with an original storyline that could’ve made an awesome film. However, Boll deviates from this source material heavily, probably because of all the German money financing the film. It had a lot going for it, great source material and a good cast. I love Kristanna Loken and I think she is MADE for action roles. She is seriously underappreciated and underused in Hollywood, if you don’t believe me watch Terminator 3. Unfortunately, Bloodrayne didn’t help her career. It also has Michael Madsen in one of his funniest roles ever. Seeing him in medieval garb delivering medieval vampire-themed dialogue is hilarious. Even with star power [forgot to mention Ben Kingsley] Boll manages to put together a piece of shit film that makes Sci-Fi channel original movies look good. Very sad. Two franchises dead. Who’s next?

Bloodrayne [2005]


Another GREAT franchise that gave birth to the survival horror genre of games is Alone In The Dark. If it weren’t for this series we would not have Resident Evil today. So, of course, it’s a good series for Boll to completely destroy on film. I have to be honest, I’ve only seen a few minutes of this film. I can’t bring myself to sit through it, I’ve been through enough pain. Plus, AITD takes place in an old Victorian house, not a fucking cave with monsters! I won’t dwell on it any longer than I have. I think we’ve established Dr. Boll’s level of “suck” adequately. Let’s move onto the climax of the post.

Alone In The Dark [2005]


POSTAL!
My God, where to begin. I read he was making a movie adaptation of this game and I just wondered “why?!”. Its another game with no story whatsoever. It was a budget PC title years ago that had absolutely nothing going for it other than some mild controversy surrounding the level of violence and the fact that they played off the whole postal worker thing. I believe the controversy started because of the U.S. postal service getting pissy and making some press release. Point is, who cares? It was a dumb game that nobody liked or bought. So, why in all of God’s wondrous creation would you make a movie version? I can’t answer that, other than the simple fact there is the possibility of controversy and buzz created from that controversy. Plus, Dave Foley is in it?! What the fuck? He should fire his agent.

Let me allow Uwe Boll to tell you about Postal in his own words, “Don't think I'm an enemy. POSTAL is a necessary wake up call and we make fun in that movie about everybody[sic]. We blame the stupid Islam Extremists as retards and I portrait myself as a Nazi - so there are no rules we are not breaking. Where are the times where a movie like LIFE OF BRIAN was made?”. Also, “...who is patriotic? Is Bush patriotic? If yes, then why the BIN LADEN family could leave the USA as the only airplane leaving America on September 11? If yes then why Bush is so friendly to Saudi Arab[sic] - even if everybody knows that the Saudis are the financers [sic] of AL KAEDA[sic] (and not the IRAK[sic] etc.)?”. I see, so this is to be a deep social and political statement on the current political climate of the world and the U.S.?

Postal [2007]


Yes, this will be a very important film…just like Life Of Brian.