Summer of Suck Vol.1

I know, I know, it's not polite to judge, but this Summer I've been relegated to judge, jury, and executioner thanks to the parade of utter SHIT that has been marched out before us since SPIDERMAN 3 shot it's webby load all over the country last month. Then came PIRATES, fucking SHREK 3, goddamn HOSTEL II, douchebagging OCEAN'S 13 (in all fairness, that could be decent) and sonofabitch-Galactus-is-a-damn-cloud FANTASTIC FOUR II. Hey! You just said you haven't seen those yet! How can you... What gives you the right... You have no firm ground to stand on if you haven't even SEEN them yet! Shut up. Yes I can. I've sat through the countless bombardments of ad after loud as Hell ad, not to mention that they are nothing but sequels to bloated movies that I've already given money to, and are undeserving of continuation, other than the fact that they made warehouse-loads of money for their studios!

Okay, tell me with a straight face that PIRATES was a planned trilogy. Alright. They really saw that they had a monster, runaway hit before it's release back in '03. Right. It was a movie based on a damn Disneyland ride starring Johnny Depp, who up until then was anything but a box-office dynamo. SPIDERMAN? Doubtful that it was a trilogy, but due to the astronomical successes of the first two, and the fact that comic franchises are just that, it was inevitable, so it's excused by default. However, I hear that part 3 sucks worse than a penile bowel movement. SHREK? Fuck SHREK. I watched ten minutes of the first one and had to be physically restrained when I went into a TV-killing rage at the Dallas-area Best Buy that was pimping it on every fucking television on display. After that passed, and I finished a six-month anger management course, I was allowed back in polite society.

So, now that the first wave of the '07 shit flood has hit, what else is on the horizon?

EVAN ALMIGHTY - The ads are touting: "In a Summer full of sequels [come see something original]." Sure. It's totally original. It's a spinoff of the Jim Carrey "hit", BRUCE ALMIGHTY where Evan, played by the usually wise Steve Carrell has to play Noah when the second great flood is cast upon mankind. Animal vs. human, and faith-based hijinks ensue. Spinoff or not - isn't that technically a sequel? If it centers around a character from the first one, and features Morgan Freeman reprising his role as God, and has "Almighty" in the title, aw Hell, nevermind. Anyways, it looks about as good as a "Mama's Family" marathon. Word has it that it cost $200 million to make. Wait, what? Where did it... What did they... Fuck!

LICENSE TO WED - Good. Lord. I remember when Robin Williams was funny. There was, uh, wait, hang on for a minute, it's coming. Okay, Robin Williams sucks. Save for a few decent dramatic turns along the way, the dude has been missing the mark for about three decades now. Sucking alongside him in this latest vacuum of talent and budget are Mandy "she still has a career?" Moore, and some guy from "The Office" that nobody will know in two or three years when the show ends anyway. They play an engaged couple that must go through some sort of Catholic pre-wedding test ritual where they have to walk on ten-foot poles while balancing eggs on their heads, except Mandy has to put her eggs between her ass cheeks and breasts, and they do this in the dark. Okay, maybe that's just wishful thinking, but they have to endure robot babies that shit and piss, a lame M.C. Hammer joke, Robin Williams screaming gibberish and smirking, and many other safe, faith-based moments of zaniness. Hmmm, I'm sensing a trend here. We need another chunky intern to blow the president so this shit will end.

TRANSFORMERS - This has me torn in two like one of John Holmes' girlfriends. On one hand, I hate Michael Bay and the latest teen tool du jour Shia LaBoeuf, on the other hand, I love giant robots. Love the fucking energon cubes out of 'em. I used to play with the toys, as most of my generation did, but even if I had no idea what this was about I would be there on the previews alone. The action scenes look insane and chaotic, the CGI seamless, and Jon Voight plays the president. However, there will be a plot, which will include exposition, borne from retarded dialogue. This will more than likely suck, but it shouldn't suck that bad once you've had a blunt and a few highballs. Again, giant robot combat = good.

DIE HARD 4 - There really isn't much to say that Dr. Chaddius hasn't already addressed. It's PG-13. There is flying car-fu. It co-stars that douchebag from WAITING, and the Apple ads. I mean, fucking shit man! Even Stallone's going for a hard "R" (and I mean a hard fucking ED-209 style automatic-rifle-human-ribbon-cutting ceremony-fire "R") for RAMBO 4. Aren't you two buddies and business partners? What gives Bruno? You orderin' a fuckin' pizza or what? Did I mention RAMBO 4 looks fucking awesome? Save your money for that one this Fall.

Well, that's about it for this month. I'm sure next month will have some high-profile garbage that I will avoid like AIDS-flavored bubble gum, and will comment on, and prejudge like the asshole I am. Cheers, wankers! Have fun at the movies!