Booze Review!

New feature. We here at Cinemawreck love our booze. I would like to share what I am drinking with you, so as you might choose to partake. Let's all destroy our livers....together. I will assume you like beer too. There are really 2 kinds of people, those who drink American Lagers exclusively [Miller Lite, etc] and those with good taste. I am speaking to those who can drink a porter or a stout with their meal and love it. Those who like beers made by monks in stone castles. Those who think a beer with 10% alcohol is normal.

I fucking love Belgian beers. Anyone with half a brain and at least one testicle should agree. Belgian beer is better than anything else on the planet. Without them, I would not be as happy as I am today. They are usually characterized by heavier fermentation, sometimes darker color and bolder flavors. I don't really want to make this a beginner's guide to import beers as much as I would rather just rant about whatever it is I drank the night before. I'm not terribly qualified to tell you how to rate beers from a professional standpoint. I do, however drink a metric shit ton of imported beers and see this as an opportunity to share [with you] what I think about them. So, you might have to google some of this shit and check ratebeer.com for more in-depth reviews.

I went to my local fancy beer store to load up on some abbey ales and Trappists. Trappists are hands down my favorite beers. If you have never tried a Westmalle or Orval you are cheating yourself out of life. Go to the store tonight and hunt some down. So, I grabbed a 4-pack of my absolute favorite triple: Tripel Karmeliet, as well as a 4 pack of Koningshoeven Dubbel and a 4 pack of St. Bernardus Watou Tripel. I had never had the Bernardus Watou and also have never read any reviews of it. It is described in similar fashion to the Trappist triples I've had in the past and I love their Pater 6 brew, so I was anxious to try it.

It poured a nice blonde with plenty of sediment. When held up to a light it looked as if the sediment would be palatable and require chewing. Thankfully, it doesn't. I was initially frightened by many abbey ales due to this sediment floating in the beer. It always made me fear for my colon. It had "you are going to have to take a monster shit if you drink this" written all over it. Again, thankfully, not the case. It smelled slightly bitter with some malty notes. It tasted very very good. It weighed in at only 7.5% alcohol and was very drinkable, slight citrus/fruit notes on the back end. Would go great with spicier foods or some nice fried fish. Was quite heavy and two of these would definitely fill you up as if you had just eaten a loaf of bread. It definitely scores as high as some of it's more official Trappist brethren. I am anxious to drink the rest of my 4 pack. I am also anxious to try the rest of the St. Bernardus family of beers as none have disappointed me so far.

Suggesting movie pairing: Phantasm
Suggested Food pairing: Fried cod and cole slaw

AVPR [Aliens Vs Predator Retarded]

Late to the game, as usual.

I did it. I broke down and had to go see AVPR. If for nothing else to just see how they handled the film within an "R" rating. The red band trailer looked slightly awesome to me. I was actually pretty pumped. Here you have two, very violent franchises finally duking it out the way they should, in a rated "R" flick!

Predator? Good.
Aliens? Good.
Humans? Not so much...

If I had a dream it would be that Mel Gibson got a science fiction stick up his ass and directed an AVP epic weighing in at 3 hours, no humans, ultraviolent and subtitled. I realize this will never happen for a number of reasons, not the least of which is people killing the franchise before it even grew past the chestburster phase. Take everything you hate from the WB and throw it in a blender with a made for TV horror flick. Now, hit the button on the blender labeled "shitty" and BAM! AVPR. Not worth any more time on this site.

Actual quote from the movie: "Get to the chopper!"

Fuck. Seriously?

MONSTER!!! The CLOVERFIELD review

There's a moment towards the end of the highly guarded, hotly anticipated monster film CLOVERFIELD where the characters have to navigate the steep incline of a building that has fallen against another. They carefully make their way up the hallway, and we're right there with them, climbing at a funhouse-grade angle straight out of the F.W. Murneau school of design. Out of all of the scenes of chaos - buildings collapsing, the cryptic glimpses of the giant appendages responsible, and severely disorienting whip-pan POV shots (that may cause some to experience motion sickness) - this is the moment that made me sit up, and get really, really, nervous, even though the previous hour had pretty much put my Sprite-filled bladder on red alert...

So welcome to the funhouse. NYC is once again imperiled by the hands (Talons? Claws?) of a giant monster, but unlike the pathos of the lonely, kidnapped and exploited KING KONG, or the abomination that was GODZILLA '98, which featured a pussy of a giant monster not even within an inch of being worthy of its moniker, which also possessed the inexplicable ability to hide(!!!) in the bowels of the city, CLOVERFIELD'S monster is just plain pissed-off. It's born for destruction and nothing more, and it's not afraid to let you know about its bad millennia. It's as if one of Lovecraft's "old ones" has awakened from eons of slumber in order to reclaim its throne as ruler of this ancient rock, and all the noises, lights, and gobs of people really, really, annoy it. Yes, I realize that the destruction of NYC in a post-9/11 world will conjure up parallels to the indelible images of that horrible day, but please, it's a giant sea monster. The original GODZILLA, or GOJIRA capitalized on the fears of post-Hiroshima Japan in the same way. If you want to read too much into it, CLOVERFIELD could be the son of that film, but hatched in the age of global technoinfologicalrapidity** and terrorism. However, I would seriously try not to read too much into it, as it really is a fun movie, and you should just leave your NPR/CNN/Fox News-riddled brain at the door. Should you find yourself enjoying it, and later musing about it at a bar, and some douchebag blowhard tries to shoot you down for doing so with a 9/11-guilt diatribe, please throw your drink in their face, and tell them Jeff sent you.

I won't even bother going into much detail concerning the plight of the hu-mons, because quite frankly, I didn't like any of them. The "Law and Order"-extras-school-of-acting level of "acting" may detach some viewers from caring, but again, this isn't about the humans. This is about Murray Cloverfield, demon from the deep. So, there's a party, and this guy Rob is going to Japan. They drink. They listen to cool music like Gorillaz, and Kings of Leon (they even play that goddamn Sean Kingston song, "Beautiful Girl", which made me want the monster to just erupt from the ground right then and there and slaughter them all, and then spend the remainder of the film trying to find Sean Kingston, eventually eating him too, but not before a hearty face-fucking). Then the explosion that everyone has seen occurs and they all scatter. Long story short, they have to get across the city in order to rescue one of their own, driven by a romantic subplot straight out of "Felicity" (which is no coincidence considering the team of producer Abrams, director Reeves, and screenwriter Goddard) all the while avoiding meeting their fates in the most hilarious way possible (IMHO): A giant. Fucking. Monster. The actors do a credible job of acting scared, and looking like they just got back from Grey Goose night at Le Doux, but covered in ash (I think they cover you in semen at LeDoux). They're just simple, vacuous "dude-brah" dudes, and "OMG!" chicks who are munch/stomp fodder for the beast, or the nightmare-inducing parasitic sea-lice that fall from it (shudder).

It goes without saying that the father, or grandfather (film ages in dog-years these days) of CLOVERFIELD is THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, which back in 1998 grifted film proprietors, and later some patrons who existed in a world not quite inundated with internet and reality programming into falling for a hoax-like campaign that presented itself as "found", and "real". CLOVERFIELD was too huge of a concept to ever try to come across as "real", but like BLAIR WITCH, the genius of team Abrams lies within two things: marketing, and secrecy. The fanboy speculation as to what 01-18-08 actually was begat more theories than Jimmy Hoffa's disappearance, which ranged anywhere from a verite-style GODZILLA redo (my initial guess), to a Voltron movie* (WTF? I'm still trying to wrap my head around that one.). Whereas BLAIR WITCH was made on a shoestring in the woods to create a feeling of complete terror, CLOVERFIELD ups the ante by ratcheting up the dread-factor. "Dread" is the best way to describe my personal experience. The thunder of its gait. The intermittent fury of its wrath. The guarded glimpses of its physique. I thought the theater was going to be crushed. If a suspense film can truly make me fear for my own safety, then mission accomplished.

Three out of four. See it on the screen. I think the jolt will be severely diminished at home.






*Which would be the next logical step, because Voltron is the only thing that could even come close to killing this raging motherfucker. Perhaps in the sequel? Hmmmm...

** Copyright, 2008.

Burmese Tourist Bureau

Got a chance to see Rambo this weekend. I've read only a few reviews as I didn't want to spoil any of the fun I might've had. Most reviews you read online nowadays are one of 2 things: a complete synopsis of the entire film or a fanboy rant drizzled with Cheetos crumbs. So, I went into this with moderate skepticism.

The redband trailer months ago got me pumped, but I also thought there was the possibility that there would be an hour of him resisting his old ways followed by the only 15 minutes of action in the whole film. I can say with nostalgic glee that this is definitely not the case. If you can watch this:

and get a little steamy eyed, then you passed the test. You'll like Rambo. It is that simple, seriously. I remember being in Cub Scouts around the time of the first 2 Rambo films came out and how those damn survival knifes were everywhere you turned. It had a fucking compass ON THE HANDLE! You could open up the handle and get out a wire saw or fishing line. You could fish anywhere, ANY TIME. I'll leave you with that for a moment to reflect.

Back to the film. The movie starts with John Rambo in Thailand, catching snakes and hanging out in the jungle. His life is interrupted by a gang of Christian missionaries trying to hire him to take them into Burma to bring medicine/bibles to the people there. Rambo ends up doing it [cough! blonde chick! cough!] and the missionaries get kidnapped by some seriously bad Burmese guys shortly after they are dropped off. Rambo is approached by the pastor from the missionaries church who tracked him down to take some mercenaries the church hired into Burma to rescue his missionaries. Rambo manages to kind of team up with a group of mercenaries to free the missionaries and turn about 150 guys into dog food. The film moves along at a great pace and the action is excellently shot. Stallone has really proven himself as a completely capable action director. The finale' has to be seen to be believed. Complete chaos. The theater I saw it in was so loud and there were so many explosions it literally rattled my beer off the table and on to my lap. If I had to complain about one thing it would be the fact that a majority of the violence is digital. I would've preferred tradional squibs, corn syrup and latex limbs over CG blood and gore. Even so, it was immensely effective.

I completely recommend Rambo to anyone with a penis or people who like good old fashioned action flicks. Perhaps violent lesbians?

El Orfanato Muy El Scary!

Went to see The Orphanage last night. Guillermo Del Toro produced the film and Juan Antonio Bayona directs. This is essentially Bayona's first big film outing and the short and sweet of it is it did NOT disappoint. The film focuses on Laura [awesomely played by Belén Rueda], who returns to the house where she grew up with her adopted son Simon and husband to open up an orphanage to help children.

Laura's ill son begins to have vivid accounts of his imaginary friends who he plays games with. This comes to a frightening head one day during a party when Simon disappears. Laura then follows a trail of clues left behind by Simon's "imaginary friends" in hopes to find him.

That's about all I can say without giving away too much. What I can say is today, as I write this, my sphincter is sore from clenching. This movie slowly builds to a good 8 or 9 on the sphincter clench scale [U.N. Standard Sphincter Clenching Scale or U.N.S.S.C.S]. Seriously, there are points where you can cut the tension in the air with a knife. Hide and go seek with ghosts makes me VERY uncomfortable. I do have a suspicion that this film is to Rueda as Poltergeist is to Tobe Hooper. I say that because it seems Guillermo Del Toro's [or in Hooper's case, Spielberg] fingerprints are all over this fuckin' movie. I need to read up, because maybe these guys are drinkin' buddies or something and it was more a collaborative effort that Rueda put his name on, but the only thing missing was some crazy shit in jars on the shelf.

I want to write something like "oh man, the thing with the THING jumpin' out was all like...AHHH!" but that would be too much of a spoiler I think. Just look at the picture above and that kinda' tells you everything you need to know. There is a very fine line between "childlike" and "holy shitballs scary", and this film dances over it multiple times. This was very much in the vein of The Devil's Backbone, but more chilling and if you can believe, more tragic. I might've cut the movie off 5 minutes earlier but I can say that about a handful of films that like to wrap it up a little cleaner than I care for. But even so, the film was phenomenal and I can't recommend it enough. Del Toro is really starting to set a specific style to Spanish horror, giving it a flavor all its own similar to Italian Giallo's in the 70's and Asian Horror today.

More MORE I say!

Trailer: